I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
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I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.