It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
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The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!