why am I working on Labor Day
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my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
what does he know…
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?