[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
You Might Also Like
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
*puts my mental health in rice
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.