Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
You Might Also Like
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots