Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
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The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
real
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I have never related to a cat more
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
This kid is going places
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??