The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
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impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
uncle dave has been through hell
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*