whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
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I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.