Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
You Might Also Like
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I just love that new Pope smell.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet