Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
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We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.