Blew out my flip flop…
You Might Also Like
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
The Book. The Movie.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?