on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
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Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
jesus, what did this guy do
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.