IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
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marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
*orders delivery*
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over