Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
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guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
your elf on the shelf was delicious
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
My neck my back my allergy attack
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017