I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
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Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET