*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
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Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
had to make it
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Love it! 👍😂
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.