jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
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*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
idk what he going thru but i feel him
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*