Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
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[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.