I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
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Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
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If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great