I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
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*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Gemma Correll
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
“i miss shittin on people”
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.