I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
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My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS