[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
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Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?