Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
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My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
The biggest mystery of our time
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.