*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
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8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
mariah carrie
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
A flock of dads is called a grill.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space