her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
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DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Roses are red
Violets are blue…![]()
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries