Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
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Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.