Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
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A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video