Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
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IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
What a chick magnet..
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero