I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
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That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school