I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
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Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.