To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
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Brilliant!
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.