Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
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him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
No way!
#oldknees
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.