Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
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Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
This is my cat’s medicine.