When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
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Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly