My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
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Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.