I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.