Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
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having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
That’s enough internet for the day
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*