I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
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If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Finally, a door that understands me
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Does this dress make me look cat?
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Which wines pair best with gloating?
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
When you kidnap a writer.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree