Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
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HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”