I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
You Might Also Like
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best