Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
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Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
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me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
yeah no that’s fair
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???