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Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.