If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
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Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
The funk soul brother
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
A closed mouth gathers no fries.