Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
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I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
My time has come.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.