This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
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crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”