Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
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A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.