(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
You Might Also Like
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
How I like cutting carbs
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.