You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
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My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
man: wait
time: no
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on