Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
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Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
There is wisdom there.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
estão todos miauvindo?
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
🙅🏻
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.