If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
You Might Also Like
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
reviewed some movies recently
If you know, you know
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
When news reporters do sports stories
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.